Her looking out the Pattaya water front, 16 January 2023
It's Sunday the 17th and today is Muew's surgery date. I woke up at 5.30 when the nurse come in taking her blood pressure and reminded her for her shower. I was with her through the morning, and was next to her on her way down to the operation room on the 5th floor. The hospital room is better than what we would expect from a public hospital, bright, functional with trees in the window. The operation will take around 3 hours, which by the time I'm writing this, I am anxiously waiting for an update. I went for a run after sending Muew to the operation room, and throughout the time had her grey hairband with me. It's the item that's closest to her all the way, even more-so than our wedding ring this time. On my run, The Beetles were playing in the background and I almost teared up when Black Bird played in the background. I thought to myself, that are we really in the age of frequent visits to hospital - and when did that transition happened. Was it from her delivery ? I remember I was anxious that day as well, but this day perhaps more so. I thought I would be able to cope well with anxiety but when it comes to health and life, perhaps it is harder than what I had imagined. The next thought that came was how I might not have done a good job of celebrating, and documenting the life before hospital. Now to think about it, life where the worry was about the next travel destinations. She's always on my mind, and I ask myself who will be more anxious if I was the one on the operation bed. In all honesty, I could not live without her, more importantly, I don't think I can bring up our child well without her. It's hard to live with the probability, no matter how small it may be. I miss her already and this hospital room felt larger than any other room.
